Seed Book

I have a tendency to rush towards things. I’m a little like the three-year-olds that I teach in that way. Whenever they see me carrying some new toy, I’m assailed by a rush of zombie hands (I want it! No, me! No, me!) that nearly knocks me over. It was in that way that I set myself up for a recent disappointment.

You see, I’ve recently taken up spiritual life again, after a long period (three years or so) of neglect. And when I say I’ve taken it up, I mean I’ve really  TAKEN IT UP. Since the new year I’ve stopped eating meat, given up all intoxicants (except caffeine for now), and become celibate (yes, I mean it). I’ve added an hour of chanting each day , a weekly Gita class and weekly kirtana to my already full schedule.

Phew.

And in this heady intoxicating enthusiasm, I felt like I was falling love. But not with a regular mortal man, no no no. With what I thought was to be my spiritual master (i.e. Guru, or the enlightened person who shows you how to be a real devotee, basically). I read his articles, watched videos, listened to mp3 lectures and literally felt like my heart was going to jump out of my body. This is it, I thought. I’ve found him.

Long story short, he  is mainly based in Europe so he doesn’t take disciples who live in the States.

An objective person would instantly see the wisdom in this. Actually an objective person would have realized that two months is not enough time to be ready for the lifelong committee that is initiation. But I’m not an objective person. Upon hearing that he doesn’t take disciples in this country, my lower lip started to quiver and I cried like a baby. “I’m being rejected by my Gurudeva”, I thought. “First James, now God. What awful karma I must have..”

And in that moment I realized I’m still heartbroken (duh). And that I’m using my spiritual path to try and fill that hole. In a way that’s what you’re SUPPOSED to do. Turn to God, because He’s the only one who will never disappoint you. But the way I was doing it was sort of missing the point. I wasn’t really turning to God. I was using God (via his representative) like a rebound boyfriend. Way to go, Melissa, that’s real spiritual…

So while this particular spiritual master was not actually rejecting me for any reason other than my physical location, my reaction to what I perceived to be rejection showed me that I am not actually ready for a Guru. I have some healing to do yet. There’s a process at work that I’m trying to rush. But my habit of rushing through things is simply not going to work in this arena.

So today I do my chanting and I follow my regulative principles, but instead of doing them as a means to get to the next step in my five year plan (find a Gurudeva, get initiated, find a devotee husband, have devotee children, etc. etc.) as is my habit, I am doing them for their own sake. I am trying to slow down and settle in. And maybe by doing that a real transformation will occur so that I’ll actualy be ready for my Gurudeva.

If it so pleases Krishna…