Seed Book

boogsie’s behavior makes me worry. it makes me worry so much that i make frantic calls to other mothers. what is wrong with us? with him? with me?  in my heart i’ve known it was something with me but for the life of me i really couldn’t figure it out.

during the last panicked episode, i called b’s paternal grandmother, hoping that she would have something for me. anything. turns out she did. she put me in contact with a family friend who’s a child psychotherapist and this woman agreed to speak with me for free.

it was kind of a miracle.

in our fifteen minute conversation, she answered my question. what i was doing wrong was being too busy for him. with work. with school. with the house. with making dinner. with everything. she said, melissa, he wants your attention and he’s acting out to get it.

and, yeah, that made me feel a little guilty. but it was also a huge relief. this is something i can do something about. this is something within my control. if i want my relationship with my son to be better, i don’t have to blindly battle some monster called ADHD (or ODD or OCD or anything else). I just have to give my son some of my time.

it was a stunning realization to me that i am really that important to him. it is the strangest aspect of motherhood to me. that to be a mommy is to be vitally important to another human being. in most of my life i strive away from self-centeredness, self-importance. i try to be humble and simple and to serve because i’m not that important in the grand scheme of things. so much suffering arises from thinking you are the center. (you as the center is the center that cannot hold). but in this venue i am intrinsically important. and to not recognize that is to do harm to my son.
anyway, the good news is that we’ve made changes. i’ve made changes. and while we have many many miles to go, we’ve started in the right direction. and i can tell by the way he holds my hand when i hold his.