Seed Book

it’s been messy for a while.

with james, who continues racking them up. a stable of damaged women loving him because he doesn’t love us in return.  he is the father that went away. no matter what you do. he’s not coming back. there are so many like us he’ll be in business for years.

with the other one, who cries at me. in our thing he wants to be the bird and for me to be the boy with the bb gun. “please don’t shoot me and by that i mean please do shoot me, so i can cry at you and beg you to fix me, which you of course won’t do, so then i have something sad to hold onto until the next boy with a bb gun comes along.” i know the game really well. i’m just not used to being the boy.

these things we play out are so exhausting, you know?

so, as my aching hips can attest, i’m spending a lot of time running away from it all. as i pound against the concrete, as i run rabbit run, i realize i have grown weary of-as the saying goes- sex, drugs and rock and roll. i’m tired of my pain and i’m tired of all the things i put in my body trying to numb that pain.

it’s a totally predictable path. like a made for tv movie. the little lost girl with the mangled heart fills up the holes with anything she can find. the medicine turns on her. she hits the dirt, hits her head, falls in a hole.

from down here, the only way to go is up.

see, there’s no way to say it without hitting cliches. because it’s just that predictable. for thousands and thousands of years it’s been the same story. we humans are a hardheaded bunch.

and so the little girl tuns to god. she says, okay okay, i get it already. help me please. you’re the only one who can.

because i’m too stubborn to have come to it any other way.